Dr. Burnshead

fertility rites- a piece of creative fiction, that is actually my true thoughts

Did you know an egg is released, then lasts only 1 day before it dissolves.

Then it is flushed out and the whole thing begins again.

How freaky is it that your body is constantly producing an egg to try to get you pregnant, like it is the most urgent thing in life. A never ending cycle going on within you all the time.

Why is it so important to have a baby? Pass on your genes? Why must the species continue? Why are the selfish genes so driven to replicate themselves and become immortal? Why do they care?

Many a time I have felt at war with my genes…I have felt them pushing me towards men and relationships that were making me beyond miserable. I felt myself being driven to be with these guys, and it was my genes, I know it was, hoping I would increase my odds of getting pregnant, at the expense of my happiness, independence, and common sense. 

I have felt a literal war within me on many occasions.

I called it a love addiction, but I know it was my genes sabotaging me, pushing me to destroy my life in hopes they could replicate.

Sometimes I have felt them laughing at me, like they are taunting me and tricking me, like in a horror movie, where a person is drawn to the edge of a cliff running after an apparition of a child laughing. Like they know they’ve got me where they want me, and they laugh at me.

Sometimes I feel them giving me a sense of intense panic and urgency about finding the right person to replicate with.

Sometimes they have just drowned out everything else in my head and filled my head with crazy thoughts, demanding to be listened to.

You know what soothes them? S Factor. I think they feel that I am working for them, that I am on their side, increasing my power and fitness to attract a suitable mate, and that I am listening to them, hearing their call, and allowing them to speak through me for once.

In college, I thought of them as a primeval basically dark and possibly evil force within me that was either working for me or against me. I called it “the mother”. When I was hopelessly addicted to *Miles (name changed for privacy (not)) in college, trying to break free from his charms, I would struggle constantly with “the mother”, with my genes, which tried to put me in his path, and keep me involved. However, being near him was destroying my life, and I knew it. I would try to fight, to leave his presence and not see him, and stay away, but I could literally feel the mother crushing my will. It was creepy. I felt like she was smothering me, it was an intense feeling of darkness and despair knowing I couldn’t win. I fought, I really did, but each time I was totally crushed. I was not strong enough to fight that dark and ancient force.

I called it “the mother” because it made me think of a story I once heard about the underground railroad. a mother smothered her baby because it was crying and would give away the hiding place of not just her but a bunch of other runaway slaves who would probably all be killed if they were found. She would sacrifice me, her child, if she thought there was a chance that she would me get pregnant— fat chance, she was wrong. We never came close. 

How twisted is that.

I never thought about having kids when I was younger, but recently I matured. I began to accept that I need to find a suitable partner to father children. I accept there is an urgency about it. I decided to include the idea of a future child in my thoughts. I resolved to accept that I am a woman, and not a boy, and not try to thwart “them” by not looking attractive enough. I guess I am a tough cookie in that sense, since I don’t really like to look girly or attractive deep down at all.

I accept I need to have confidence and to try to use my mystical womanly energy to fight for alpha female position instead of counting myself out of the race before it’s even begun. I will listen to “them” more, understand their goals for me, and try to be an ally, help them, rather than fight them, like they were my parents, and hopefully, they will not try to break me and destroy me again.

We’ll work together.

In a sense, these genes truly are my primordial parents. Because they’re the genes of all my ancestors, my parents and grand parents and their parents. I think.

What do they want from me? Or rather, WHY do they want it from me?

Why.

What is the meaning of life? Why do we keep replicating, surviving, what’s so important about

an egg, a tiny baby, sex, a family

When I die will I join them in my great grand daughter’s body. Will I help her to form an intense crush on some bad boy, and tell her to get into his bed at night and to not use protection… 

That’s kind of funny. 

Will I try to teach her that mother knows best…

Will i know the meaning of life then…

deep thoughts.

ovulation

Human egg emerging from ovary

should be a print for black milk clothing

posts from a cool blog

posts from  one of my fave swedish blogs written by a mom who loves running, dancing to hip hop with her kids, talking about how fun it is to have kids, making humorous commentary about life, and taking pics of her life:  letters from the end consumer. What a hot Swedish babe her husband Anders is and what literal babes her kids are:

Travelling at the speed of light

Remember these two?

They look like this now

——-

Co-sleeping

co-sleeping = feet in your face

Review of the Style of Black Milk Hot Little Bosses

So one thing I have been observing lately is the rapid growth and practices of the company Black Milk. I have written about this company before and often ponder what gives it that special oomph as a company.

Some questions arise.

Is it just me or is there a weird sexual tension between J.L (the founder) and the young girls who seek his approval on fb?

Is it the young girls desire for validation of their looks that causes them to obsessively post scandalous pictures of themselves essentially giving J.L a free sex-sells advertising campaign featuring under-age girls that American Apparel was basically villainized and ruined for?

Is it so popular because every girl quickly learns that guys seem to be hypnotized by the clothes since they are spandex, often very shiny and extremely bright and smooth like skin?

Are all the girls really that nerdy and do they really love tetris and star wars and astronomy or do they know that by wearing these things they are becoming a nerdy guy’s dream, and do they get off on knowing that….

deep thoughts….

An interesting thing is that a new style of dress seems to have sprung up around these clothes. JL, the head of the company, calls it Hot Little Bosses.

It is large band and childhood t shirts, the leggings, combat boots, and looking like you don’t care.

it is pink, green and purple hair.

it is swimsuits and shorts

it is stripper shoes worn to look like a comic book superheroine.

it is wacky, slutty, aggressively in your face, grungy…

it is mystical and paired with religious imagery

Creative and Hot.

I once read a quote that oddly haunts me. I believe it was said by Picasso. A woman is either a goddess or a doormat. I think about that quote all the time. A guy sees a girl as either/or. You have to be the goddess. You have to adorn yourself and pretend to be a holy mystical being. Easy to do. Otherwise you risk being a doormat.

I often think of this when I don’t want to stand out when I am getting dressed or look too girly.

Black Milk with it’s mystical, holographical, comic book inspired, religious, astronomical, 7 wonder of the worlds inspired iconography helps you to look like a larger than life goddess.

More deep thoughts…

Here is an assortment of girls who are dressed in the style of Hot Little Bosses.

prepare for picture overload in 3

2

1

The need for speed

Coolest pics ever from tomboystyle. Pioneering female motorcyclist

Review of Wildfox image and branding

I always find it really cool to see what a brand is really going for by examining all their images. A brand is like a tumblr or photo blog when you scroll through all their pictures and try to see what lifestyle they are trying to capture, recapture or create. I love to see the world that a brand revolves around. 

The brand WildFox has some cool images. It seems they are going for trying to recapture their lifestyles as teen girls growing up by the beach in California and being the most popular most beautiful girls in highschool. They make clothes that seem to capture a point in life when you wore lots of t shirts and sweatshirts and sweatpants and the clothes you had as a child at home, but you still looked hot because you were “forever young”. You had sleep over parties and ate pizza all the time, and ran out on the beach w boys and drank and did things i only dreamed of participating in.

It’s girls wearing the clothes they had as little girls to emphasize that teen hormone feeling. it’s images of groupies and pamela des barres 60s flower child lifestyle coming through to me. it’s a little bit lana del rey. it’s a little bit “in the hotel with the band”. it’s a little bit club kid, a little bit trashy. it’s interesting. it’s a little bit too much “high fashion” which i hate. I wish they wouldn’t use such perfect looking models as I can’t relate. I love the photo shoots on Rookie that use a variety of every day girls. So much better!!

It reminds me of the old Abercrombie’s images though that was clearly about an east coast old world preppy lifestyle at boarding schools and colleges. Plus Abercrombie included guys where as this is all about being a girl with your girl friends. 

I wish Wildfox would release a magazine of images like the old A&F quarterlies. If i had a brand, I definitely would. Blogs and images and videos aren’t enough. A book is where it’s at.

ocean

winged dreams

Jimmie

jimmie page and Pamela. she was totally in love with him, and said he was the greatest seducer ever. 

growing up in melanie griffith’s family

weekend update

Glorious weekend. 

It was a Mama G’s weekend this weekend. Friday night was networking night. I gave a little 20 second talk in front of 250 women about what I wanted to network about. yikes. It was cool and that night I saw sean.

The next day was Saturday, and we had to basically chant YES at life while some women jumped on a mini trampoline shouting yes. At lunch I talked to a woman about her job as a orgasmic meditation teacher. Wow! I tried to keep a straight face when listening to her explain—not that I thought it was lame, but it was a hot and heavy subject for the lunch table. HA never a dull moment at MG’s. Some interesting life coach kind of people talked and explained what knowledge they thought they had to share and it was interesting. 

That night a fellow sister goddess invited me out and we went out to a bar. I learn a lot just by watching her. She was wearing leggings, a tube top bra top, and a leather jacket. She had so much body confidence, and she always “brags” in a very funny and fascinating way. We had a lot of fun together, even though we don’t have hardly anything in common except MG’s, growing up in Weston and living with the our parents. Sean came to meet us and he was so nice, buying us drinks, talking to Clarissa for hours and listening to her tales, and then we decided to all come back to the apt and hang out. We listened to songs on the computer and Clarissa entertained, and it was a moment on friends hanging out and having fun in an apt that I haven’t done in 4eva. It’s one of those things in life that I neglect, as I am a loner and am shy. But I had forgotten what it was like—FUN. 

The next morning we went to whole foods and I bought us a picnic with my gifted whole foods gift card/credit card from my mom, and we brought it into the grass in the park, by that cool underground playground/parcour practice ground. The park was amazing. The weather was perfect, and the trees were at their absolute greenest and lushest. Everything was brilliant…as in the British word. 

After our picnic we decided to see if we could get one of those rowboats, but the line was huge, so we sat on a rock and acted out improv sketches of first dates and what not. 

The whole day was spent in the park, and Sunday at Mama G’s was skipped. I thought Mama G would want me to live by her principles of following your pleasure and I had a day that was so great I didn’t want to leave. Plus it can be tiring to hear so much chanting, sobbing and “woo!!” ing 3 days in a row, haha. 

Anyway, I made the right decision. I felt…lightly sunburned, my cheeks have a dusting of color as they say, and my skin is all feeling thick and full and it’s because I forest-bathed in nature and saw trees and weird kids and was complimented and appreciated and held hands etc. 

I have so many thoughts that I could write a huge long “night thoughts” but also feelings tonight. feelings about the beauty of life. I could create a beautiful picture stories magazine out of this feeling. 

Now the wind has picked up and it’s blowing at my window and sending breezes through my room, billowing, like I’m on a ship. One of my favorite kinds of night weather. 

I am thankful for my family, my friends, boys, the trees, the breeze, all the little things like ice cream and random dogs, humor, fridges of food, striped shirts and striped underwear outfits, and the ability to have a day like today, when you feel like life is great.

I finished my book about Pamela Des Barres tonight on the couch, and I felt like she wasn’t afraid to write down my secrets in a book, and admit them wholeheartedly. She loved life and wasn’t afraid to go for it, and live her life the way she wanted and the way she should have. 

Good night to all.