Before I do anything else I have to blog this.
I had the most amazing day ever.
it started with S at 6 in the morning on the lawn. My legs were so stiff from the night before, my quads felt like blocks of hardened wood. I was so sore because of the adrenaline rush of the first day when I thought we had to dance for sheila, but she was a no show that day.
back to today.
after that, we ate breakfast. after that we had a lecture by sheila about something or another. I really can’t remember! Then we had a class with our teacher. And Sheila was going to watch us dance.
I was so nervous the day before as I get stage fright and have performance anxiety in matters such as this. I had heard many crazy things about the things Sheila would say about your dance. She allegedly has no filter. I had heard she is a “body whisperer” and knows everything about you by watching you dance. I couldn’t figure out a perfect song to dance to. The teacher kept saying “what song do you want Sheila to see you dance to?” Oh god, no idea. I finally chose a song I liked which was slightly emotional and slightly sexy too—-going, going, gone by stars. (the live version).
When the teacher asked when I wanted to dance, I was tempted to go last, but my teacher said…you are hungry, you want it, I think you should go second. I thought about it and realized I would probably be more nervous waiting until last place to dance, so I decided to go second.
i was background dancer for the first dance, and I wasn’t that nervous. I think some of it had worn off from yesterday. Then it was my dance.
I got down on my knees in the center of the room, in between the two poles. The music started and I just tried to breathe and feel every movement. Soon my body was taking over and i was just running my hands over everything and soon I found myself by the pole. I climbed on to it, and saw the chair. I swirled around it, and then went into a climb and twirled in the air. as the music was winding down I knelt on the pole and bent down swirling around, perhaps my signature move (everyone always asks me how i do it).
It was over.
All of a sudden I hear sheila yelling out “How did you ever live without S”. “No seriously. I mean it. HOW Did you ever survive without S in your life. “
I knew exactly what she was saying. I honestly don’t know.
She said “you need this. you can’t go a week without S.”
You were born to do this she said, or I think she said.
All of a sudden I started shaking, tears came to my eyes.
She went on telling me I was a combo of two ECs—the shy reluctant and the lustful lover…shyness and lust…a rarely seen combo she said, and an extremely hard one.
She told me how much I wanted < 3 and how I was just dying for someone to come get me and rip me open…
She was/is so right…in a second had understood my deepest desire. i began to cry and try to breathe through it.
In a second she was right in front of me, kneeling like I was. As I looked into her eyes, her dark stringy hair and dark eye brows and pale skin, I almost felt I was looking into my own eyes. She understood me, she was an s factor lover like me.
It was amazing.
I was born to do this. It made me realize that …I am not stupid for wanting to pole dance and spending so much time day dreaming about it. This is a part of me. Before it, I didn’t have it. I was born to do this.
I was right to follow my gut and pursue this.
I still am teary eyed thinking about it now.
Then we had lunch and my two friends came up to me and told me how amazing my dance was. She said she was obsessed with my dancing. My friend said I have taken s for 5 years and you are one of the few EC’s who really moves me. You are so vulnerable and whatever whatever.
Then we had a special lecture by this guy, sheila’s nephew, who made us all hair masks, and we made body butters and mixed out own scents, and body scrubs, and facial mists and what not. We slathered everything on in our bathing suits and went outside and jumped in the pool.
While I got out of the pool, a woman called to me and asked me what we were all doing. I told her about what it was…she was really cool. I told her she had to do it, and I could tell she wanted to so badly. She had so much curiosity.
Then we had a lecture about ten archetypes of the EC (erotic creature). You are 3. I will not tell you the third…I already told you 2.
It made a lot of sense. It was so fascinating. The EC is a real thing. I have seen so many incredible alter egos here. There is one girl who is like a sci fi robot. She is amazing. She fritzes out. She wears knee pads, and walks like a spider around the room.
Then we went straight to dinner. Then we went straight to this enormous ballroom. We were doing a special movement workshop dance party…and all the newbies, the babies as Sheila calls them, the people who have never done s before but are at the retreat were going to see everyone’s EC for the first time. She told them to be prepared. When the doors opened…there was an enormous ballroom with poles on platinum stages and my favorite!—a light machine going everywhere and best of all a fog machine. There were chairs and mattresses and pillows everywhere and candelight.
Oh my god, it was so much fun. Everyone danced to the music Sheila played. You could go anywhere in the room. She played songs for each archetype. At the end of each song, we had to write on our body with a marker (something i usually never do but did)…a love poem about that emotion that corresponded to the archetype wherever we felt it in our body. All these beautiful messages of reminders of all the emotions…the beautiful emotions as revealed in the beauty of a dance of joy or sadness or lust or rage…scribbled on your body. Beautiful.
At the end of 3 hours that felt like minutes, she brought in these hot MEN drummers into the room with all the girls in their underwear and stripper heels and such.
Then they had a hawaiian drum circle and the guys were AMAzed. Many girls just sat back and watched but the s teachers started going crazy dancing like that crazy girl walking by a drum circle. Eventually I joined in, even though i have never been that girl at a drum circle. I had the best time, and I loved feeling the male energy in the room. Wish there could always be boys at s factor.
Then when it was over, sadly, we went into another dark candle lit room, and this friend i had made turned out to be a hawaiin hula teacher/chanter. She started chanting this hawain thing. She had a leaf of three leaves on a stick and she dipped it in a bowl of ocean water and she went around the circle flicking us with water in a magical way. Then we drank AWA tea, a special hawaiian tea, and then unfortunately the day was over.
I thanked Sheila and told her i had the most fun ever. I walked back through the hawaiin night. Wearing my EC clothes, and holding my shoes. Scribbles all over my body like the kind of team spirit I always hated in high school sports where teens would write on themselves. Always hated to. But it felt really good. Why? Because it feels really good to be your EC. TO have no inhibitions and just move fluidly and stop thinking. To just create beautiful dances out of thin air. And to realize that my shyness is my strength…a beautiful hot part of me…my lust and love…is another gift, and so is my crazy playful shameless attitude. All those things are gifts. Parts of me I was born with. That have been supressed somehow in life. The EC is a magical incredible part of people….that most do not know they have. Most do not know they can shut off their brain and create a masterwork of beauty with their body that expresses deep longing lust and beauty and magic. Most do not know they can feel like a ray of light, the wind, golden dust particles in a beam of light while floating high above the madding crowd…on the pole.
I came home, and looked in the mirror. My face was so happy. Open. It reminded me of how my face looked when I was in love. All my muscles somehow relaxed and I could beam a smile at him from a mile away. IN normal life I find it difficult to smile, so it was wonderful to feel so relaxed and happy.
i took pictures in the mirror to document.
I just feel like, all my crazy ideas of writing a screenplay about pole dancing and my experience with it or whatever…aren’t crazy. I am…in love with it for a reason. It is my gift. SOmething I have to offer. Something of beauty I can give to the world.
And it’s not crazy for it to be about me. I’m not crazy for thinking I feel this on a deep level.
Tomorrow is another crazy long day, beginning at 6.
My roommate is all negative but I’m like F that. Today was FUN.
The Voice Recap by me
The voice is getting so intense. Who will go home?
I hope not Sarah Simmons whose voice I still love.
Again Michelle Chamuel realy impressed me. Her energy is so electrifying on stage. Though her voice leaves much to be desired. The way she stomped out on stage, dancing. It was pretty cool.
Shakira is too sappy! She is too tender hearted, trying to swing the audience to vote for her favorites, when they suck—aka kris thomas (who DOES seem like a nice guy) and Garrett, who is really annoying.
Usher is mad cool. I liked the choreographer he brought in, and I liked the choreographer Shakira brought in from last week, Hi-Hat.
One person I thought was horrible was Danielle, the favorite, who seems like a child, and is a child. But some children seem to have old soul…but it doesn’t seem like she has any pain about anything to put into her music. She sang a song that she put no meaning at all into about an alcoholic so and so.
In singing it seems what really matters is the ability to make an emotional connection. The more emotions you have the better.
However sometimes it can backfire. Like Amber Carrington at the end who said this song represented her mother perfectly, and her mom had recently died, but she couldn’t convey her emotion in the song. It just sounded like a bunch of wailing and yelling. Off pitch too.
However when Vedo sang about his mom in the playoffs in “everything i do i do it for you”…his truthfulness shone through. Not saying Amber didn’t miss her mom, but somehow she seems more reserved and closed off than vedo who openly cries about his mom in every interview. Maybe she wasn’t able to let go enough to convey her emotions through the song or maybe it was just a bad performance for her or song choice for other unknowable reasons.
MIchelle also connected with the audience last time with her personal rendition of “true colors”. Every moment was believable.
In this latest episode…no one really sang a song like that that seemed to be about them and conveying true emotions.
I thought Sasha Allen did a good job with alone, but it was a tad to theatrical still.
Judith Hill…yeah she’s talented…but for what…what comes across…not much.
I am looking forward to tonight’s!
Remember when I used to like to write night thoughts?
I crave night thoughts.
I peered outside my window today…the air was eerily warm. Uncanny. I peered out suspiciously sticking my nose through the gap.
Or is it summer.
I’m preparing for my trip to Hawaii. Thus the Maui themed picture stories.
DUDES. I am so excited. Supposedly these retreats are like a crazy cult gathering that surpass everyone’s expectations. I can’t believe there is more to s factor. My friends have been saying that my mind is going to be blown. I am hoping to get some inspiration for my screenplay.
I bought some boots in preperation. I am preparing my EC playlist. Fashioning a costume made of flowers for this night where we were told to bring an outfit fit for the queen—if our EC (dance persona) were a queen what would she wear.
I think one day I will be a pole teacher. I am getting so much better and so much stronger. I film myself sometimes and today I filmed myself and I just watched it over and over. I have gotten so good. It was incredible. I was in awe of myself. I have been taking private lessons with this amazing person and she is helping me so much. I feel like a muscle-less enlarged fool next to her but whatever.
I have been using spinning pole and it is scary. The closer you come into the pole the faster you spin. You feel like you are going to get spun right off. You have to be brave to get on that thing. I think “obzi” would like spin mode.
I am dreaming of the beach. I can’t wait to touch blue water. Isn’t it amazing that water is blue? Only in nature. In the tub it’s clear. In the sink it’s white. But in Hawaii it will be pure blue. Ahh.
Who am I? What am I meant to do? These are questions that I don’t really know what they mean. But I feel like asking them.
There is an ember burning in my heart. a coal, a smoldering coal. A coal of fire red like lava in hawaii. A coal that is so hot it turns blue like a blue waterfall in hawaii. it has a fleck of purple like the inside ofa seashell washed up from the mysterious miles of ocean so far away.
A coal within a husk of grey ash—-grey like the concrete in nyc and the stale air.
A coal of aliveness.
I am still alive, though I feel deadened in a way on the outside. I still contain a spark. a spark that merely needs to be blown against a birdsnest or a tiny little hut of sticks or whatnot. And the birdsnest will ignite. and you wont recognize me in the flame.
I am a lump of coal. That is hot on the inside.
I am a stock that is down.
I am … a cicada waiting to come out of the earth…
no…this is harder than i thought.
but you get the picture.
i am a wolf in sheeps clothing. i am a seemingly mild mannered newsman who
has a spark within.
a smoldering hot genius. or so i tell myself.
it is like the picture stories are the sparks flying up from the fire pit. They are the life in me…the reminder I can still feel, hope, dream…that i have felt, what i have felt. The vast and mysterious colors and images and feelings that i have felt, that i have swum deep down underwater and remembered.