Dr. Burnshead

a heartfelt sentiment

These photos of picasso painting with a sparkler and a long exposure remind me that who you are comes oozing out of every pore, it is in the way you wave your hands in the air, the way you paint, the way you jump, dance, dress, etc.

Everyone has a unique magical godlike art that emanates from them and composes and arranges everything they do. It’s difficult to describe but Picasso’s is all rounded and curved, for example, among other qualities. It’s your style as an artist, and your style as a person. I imagine this is the driving force behind the mood of your blog, the look of your film, the tone of your writing. Here it is in its purest visual form, sparkles in the air, in your pattern. It is your power, your uniqueness— a magical gift to be cherished.

What would you draw if you waved your arms in the air.

photos found here.

I recently finished a book called Improv Wisdom by Patricia Madson. It has some pretty good advice that I found surprisingly quite useful. Though I did not really enjoy the way the book was written. 

One idea I have been using a lot lately is whenever you feel lost ask yourself the query “what is my purpose right now?”, and then do it. Surprisingly this can make you feel a lot better. For example, I was hanging out in the kitchen with Artie holding a bottle of Lemon juice. I didn’t know what I was doing. So i asked myself, “what is my purpose right now?” and found myself answering “to put away this lemon juice in the fridge”. All of a sudden i felt a renewed sense of purpose and clarity. Also the other day while I was walking home, feeling aimless, I asked myself the same question and answered “to go home”. Oddly I really like this technique and will be employing it a lot. For example, my purpose right now is to write a blog post about the book. 

Another idea of hers I really liked was the idea that you can consider interactions with people an improv game. In other words, there is absolutely no need ever to plan what you are going to say to someone. Just say, and i quote, “whatever comes to mind in whatever way seems natural to you”. To some people this might seem the most obvious statement that has ever been said. But I am someone who constantly worries when meeting friends, talking on the phone, meeting new people, trying to connect with others, hanging out with my oldest and best friends even—that I will have nothing to say to them and become stuck in a horrifyingly traumatic situation where we sit in silence forever before they become bored and inwardly vow to never hang out with me again. 

why? 

However, this simple idea of just starting from a blank mind, and saying whatever pops up, which is exactly what you do in improv, is really quite profound. Something always comes to mind. Just have fun seeing what pops up. Just like in an improv show, sometimes there is a bit of silence, but that is expected—they are trying to make a good show after all and want to build it slowly. They are waiting to take it as it comes to them. 

Well I find it a brilliant idea, and it helped me feel much more relaxed in a social engagement i engaged in. 

Another idea I thought was great was “if you’re not making mistakes, you’re not doing improv”. So true. Anything you do where you are doing the first thing that comes to mind—is going to be wacky and weird sometimes. Otherwise it’s not improvised. That’s the beauty of improv or spontaneity or candor. If something is real, funny, from the heart, flying by the seat of the pants—then it has the life force in it—and sometimes its transcendent and sometimes it falls flat. I’ve seen both mindblowing improv shows and horrible ones. Same thing with freestyle dancing at S Factor…sometimes you feel it and you feel on a high, and sometimes you fall flat—literally!! But if you’re going to play the game, then you have to make mistakes. And mistakes are a sign that you’re playing the game! Good reminder. 

Another good point she makes is “give gifts”. In improv, you have to always be in the mindset of helping your scene partner out. If they are struggling, you can come on as a walk on character to their scene, to “give a gift” and add something that helps them make sense of the scene. In life also, think of talking to people as giving them a gift. Try to help out your conversation partner in the same way, make them feel good, go on and give them a gift. Again so simple, but somehow profound. Makes me feel like I have a little more license to be a bit warmer and more affectionate to people, who knows why. 

Other good points she makes are:

start anywhere

(if you have to do something like an overdue task like cleaning your room and don’t know where to start, do the first thing that comes to mind, like make the bed),

don’t prepare

(if you have a speech about improv to make, instead of writing out a long boring speech, write down a few key questions to talk from, like “who invited me to be here and who shall i thank?” “who introduced me to improv? when?” ” when did i first teach improv”, etc)

be average

(dare to be dull. if you have to do something important, try to approach the problem as though you didn’t need to do your best. what is the obvious way of solving it? how would you proceed if finding a solution was nothing special.)

and the last chapter is on the importance of having fun in every day life. You can have fun anytime and anywhere. Be wacky and goofy, make sure to have fun. 

At first I thought this book was really stupidly obvious and dumb, but it seems its simplicity hides a kind of eastern zen like profound wisdom. After writing this review I realize there were a lot of profound things in this book, and I may even return to this little tome!!!

So I guess I do recommend this book. And tomorrow I will be using this advice to improv my way through a conversation with my new friend from dance class—yikes, wish me luck. 

a/s/l wanna cyber? jk.

blast from the past peeps!!!

I was talking to my mom in the car today about my thoughts about this blog. I thought of something interesting. 

I thought, the pictures i post on my blog are all expressions of places i need to go to, places i feel happy in, worlds i create where i can go in my mind and feel happy. 

At different times, different things seem to make me happy and so at one point, for example, there was an embarrassing glut of blog posts all with pictures of people in love with nice houses in the middle of nowhere. Then at other times I am not sure what will make me happy and can’t think of anything i want, so I don’t post at all, like when i have had a break up or something. 

Throughout all my blogging, certain themes have emerged. Though I’m not always in the mood for all these things all the time, there seem to be certain constants. Sometimes when i feel i want to blog, i feel an urge to google image stars. That one image is always a good foundation for me to begin a blog post. 

I was thinking, if i were to make an ad campaign for a catalog, (inspired by those guess ads) like i was in charge of the ad campaign and branding for my own company, i would use these constants to make a photo shoot.

Here are some i would have in mind:

Starry skies in the country and night time

a house in the woods at night

farm animals resting in a barn at night. cows, hay, the sweet smell of hay, frozen breath.

a couple in a car, on the road, in nature. wind through the hair and hand out stretched. probably in a convertible. 

a couple kissing, where they look sincere, and the guy doesn’t look douche-tastic like a male model, and the girl looks normal enough.

a couple and their dogs. maybe on a walk. a happy photo. 

dogs or cats asleep in sunlight

dogs or cats fighting. that always makes me laugh. i have such great memories of my dogs fighting.

other people’s babies in their strollers. as if you were on a walk and saw some happy babies in the sun. 

i’d take a photo of a vid i remember from a blog of a woman dancing holding 3 kids, like a snowman sort of (don’t ask me why). 

rain. photos taken indoors when it’s clear it’s raining out. or cars in the rain, but in a happy way. steamy soups served at dinner with a friend with rain outside. 

hotels. room service. couples in hotels. the pool at hotels. the sheets at hotels. the room keys. breakfast buffets in the morning. anything like that. 

photos of people with their arms outstretched in national parks! maybe on a tall rock or cliff looking out. people visibly enjoying nature. senior citizens, young people, families, anyone. 

those quiet moments when you catch an animal in nature, whether in the woods, your backyard or what…like a flock of wild turkeys, a herd of deer, an owl, bats, a fox, a raccoon, etc. that moment when everything kind of glistens, where you are both still, watching.

reading with boys, lounging with boys, boys, boys, boys. but i’d have to cast a nice seeming boy in the role. 

motorcycle rides through the country, two on board.  

fancy restaurants. really fancy restaurants. and people dressed up. 

masqued balls. elaborate costume parties. 

a family all lounging about together on couches, similar to this one. “we love you come home” (though i believe that’s actually the rolling stones). 

enormous over the top birthday cakes. 

swimming at the beach. a photo of the feeling of being underwater in a pool. 

vintage convertibles driving in the country. 

being under blankets. 

sun beams in cathedrals

bike rides through nature preserves. dancing in da club. sunrise in the house when everything is quiet and there is just our computer and a dog. night in the hottub with friends.

sunday brunch in new mexico with breakfast burritos and cinnamon buns. (maybe i’d shoot one season all in new mexico). 

etc.

I’d want music in there too. Maybe i could make videos for the campaign as well. Then I would need bird song, organ music coming from a cathedral, techno in a club, the sound of the ocean at night from far away, and stuff like that—real life sounds more than music. 

Some of these are memories from my life when I’ve felt really happy, and some are moments when i’ve felt life is beautiful, and some are similar images i saw on blogs and learned i liked, and some i saw in movies, and some i didn’t even know i liked so much until i had a blog, and some very important things to me are always m.i.a on the blog…it’s odd. 

From reading different blogs and seeing others subconscious attempts to show what inspires them and makes them happy, i have realized everyone has such a random collection of the things that they secretly enjoy the most. 

Some blogs that come to mind:

blackbook: skating, the sea, loose clothes, jungle, graffiti and abandoned buildings, summer 

9 eyes: escaped babies, prostitutes, crimes, wreckage, people crawling, people in the middle of nowhere, etc.

this other blog i forget the name of: stores going out of business, dirty glitter, aliens, dirty streets, strange objects, 

thestwrd: high class things, elegant women, yachts, wimbledon, vacations of the most elegant sort, 2000 year old olive groves, etc

i could go on for almost every tumblr or photo heavy blog i’ve ever read. 

everyone has their collection of personal moments which make them burn inside. These moments are not chosen, but are a reflection of who you are. i honestly have felt extremely embarrassed many a time, posting pictures of sappy love stories or babies, which i used to feel was almost like admitting weakness. or even posting nsfw pics. but i made a conscoius decision to be honest and true to my heart, and post what i feel. many things seem cliche to me, but if i don’t like those things then i don’t like anything, so i have to be honest with myself and admit the few things i really like. 

these are the things i probably should try to achieve in life and the things that will make me happy. it’s not as obvious as it seems though. the subconscious can say you want slightly different things than you feel you do. 

anyway, i could go on and on. There are some moments i’ve wanted to capture which are more intense. like feelings of suffering, heartbreak, loneliness, etc. maybe i could put those in too, sparingly. i find those moments just as powerful and in a way just as inspiring. what makes life complete, is the power of the bad moments as well as the power of the good. everything, bad or good, is interesting. because it makes up human nature and life on earth. 

i have many more thoughts on this topic, but i feel like one may need to be into image blogging to understand how all of a sudden, without your even knowing, your “themes” emerge. it’s such an interesting and surprising experience. but maybe others have had this experience in other ways through a different creative outlet? 

Let me ask you my readers, do you have a sense of what images or photos you would set out to capture and immortalize if you were the director of an ad campaign for your own unique brand. 

Are there certain secret moments that seem especially powerful to you that you wonder “do others feel this the same way i do?”. 

What are they? Comment below!! I’d love to know. 

an 80s ad by Bruce Weber

moi

There is something magical about these photos submitted to rookie mag by a 17 year old art school student in BK named Sophia Bennett Holmes.

Very cool work, Sophia.

Nie Nie’s new book is coming out in April! Dang such a long time to wait. You can read the first 30 pages in preview here though, which i did, and it is soooooo good. 

(cleopatra)

If you talked to me earlier today, I may have already told you this, but I had a great dance class today, and a great one on Friday too. 

Why? 

Because I felt very confident. 

I have spent a lot of energy reading books, listening to audio books, and joining sketchy websites (??why), and even seeing therapists to learn how to get more confident. 

I went to a hypnotherapist a long time ago to try to gain this skill. The hypnotherapist asked me to imagine having confidence, and imagine myself going through life with confidence. 

The problem was I didn’t know what it would feel like. i had no idea what to imagine. i hadn’t felt confident in so long i had no idea what to picture. She told me to picture someone else who i knew who was confident in the sitch, but i had no idea what was going on in their head.

it was hopeless!

Nothing worked. I could never think my way into confidence. The strategy I landed upon was just not relying on confidence, but just blindly forcing myself to do things no matter how unconfident I was. When I went to a different Burnsian therapist (MM) he helped me to see that fear and anxiety is just an illusion, a hologram of oncoming traffic, that you have to face bravely down to find “the monster has no teeth”. 

Though feeling the fear and doing it anyway is usually accompanied by a rush of “haha! i did it and it all worked out!” —it’s almost more like a feeling of relief. But confidence would be…like, not even feeling afraid in the first place. A totally different feeling. 

And it is. 

I honestly don’t think you can think your way into confidence. I feel it’s a feeling, a mind state, you have to access. How can you access it? Only by feeling it. And then feeling your way back into it. 

How can you get the feeling? I’m not really sure. Some people are just born with it, and some people maybe just one day start feeling it due to one thing or another. 

For me, getting comfortable with dancing made me start feeling it. 

You have to do these exercises in class called “conversations”. You have to play off the energy of your partner, kind of like a dance off. In the beginning I used to feel slightly shy cause i was uncomfortable seeing the other girl display so much confidence and get up in my face, and i could feel myself mentally backing down. but today when we did this exercise for the first time in weeks i felt different. I felt like i’m going to show everyone here what i can do. i have a newsflash for y’all!! It’s Britney, B****!!!! i could feel this feeling getting more and more strong lately in class.

What I felt was suddenly a feeling of not being scared at all, not being intimidated at all, enjoying the feeling of others trying to intimidate me and laughing at their pathetic attempts, the illusion of knowing I could outshine anyone in the room, a warm feeling of power, of being in control, of being able to do no wrong, of being something far more powerful than beautiful—a feeling i imagine cleopatra felt—like the thought of needing good looks to attract the king was laughable when she had such life coursing through her veins. I felt, “bring it on” and “look at me now” and like I just wanted to lord it over someone. 

Rude much? 

But freeing. fun. healthy. 

When I was feeling it I realised something. i had no reason to feel confident whatsoever. it’s just a feeling, an altered mindset. but that mindset gives you so much power. it’s the mindset and nothing else. you can’t deserve confidence, learn things to have confidence, gain confidence—because the feeling is greater than just knowing how to do things right. it’s like, even if someone else was perfect, i’d still be better. totally irrational and wrong, but a great tool to be able to access.

Can i now tap into this feeling all the time? So much more. Before I felt almost embarrassed to look myself in the eye. Now I feel there is a side to me that is powerful. Not just powerful, because i have felt powerful in other ways at other times like when i have experienced an adrenaline rush or gone into survival mode, etc, but powerful over others. and esp. over other girls (who i fear more than anybody probably). like i was the alpha female. 

the alpha female

I think every girl deserves to feel like the alpha female sometimes and everyone can have that feeling, it’s just a matter of finding that way to tap into the feeling, since it is just a feeling, and totally baseless in reality. 

Anyway, I feel so great after class. I wish I could take another class directly. I guess it’s kind of drug like high. I always hear descriptions of heroin of feeling these feelings of invincibility and power, like a god. that’s how i always feel in class, and i wonder if I am particularly susceptible to the desire to feel like a god, because i usually feel so down to earth. 

some night thoughts. ttys all. xoxoxoxo. 

1, 2

i must make onion soup

1, 2 

1, 2

I have been watching a show on Netflix called I Shouldn’t Be Alive, Season 3. I still have about 3 more episodes to watch, but I have already learned a lot listening to people’s first hand accounts recounting their tale of near death and survival while actors scream and moan in pain and loudly and usually horribly attempt to reenact the harrowing experience.

Samples of things people have survived: being caught in a riptide and swept out to sea in a tiny dinghy—a surviving a week w/ no food or water, being lost on a hike on a mountain in california thinking the trail was just a few feet away, plane crashes—one in the african savanna and one while sky diving, crashing in the middle of the ocean, getting lost in the australian outback w no water in sight in a t-shirt, and two avalanches on a remote mountain in transylvania in january.

Some thing I have learned: Your body is like a fuel tank. If you do not drink water or eat within two days it begins shutting down and in three days you could be near death. that seems like so short a time. we are so much more fragile than we think.

everyone describes that feeling of their reserves getting depleted…knowing they didn’t have that much more left in them.

If you get lost, stay put. Don’t try to find your way out—unless it comes to that. if you are a mile off the trail, it is better than two miles. there are so many dangers in the wilderness.

so many people in the show describe the experience of being lost or stranded in nature, and seeing the incredible beauty of the wilderness but being struck at the same time at how shocking it is to realise something so beautiful can be so dangerous. it makes me realise how protected and sheltered we are from the real world, so to speak, the nature all around us, in our houses and cities. when people are unprepared in the wilderness, they are dead in usually 3 days, maybe 5 or 6 if they are extremely lucky.

Don’t give up hope. So many people are rescued at the last second. The longer you hold out, the greater your chances that someone will rescue you.

Another thing everyone mentions that came as a surprise to me is how difficult it is for search and rescue planes, boats or cars to spot or hear someone in the wilderness. “like a needle in a haystack”. pretty much the vehicle has to run into you for you to be spotted. you blend in. you are just a blip. you may have to resort to drastic measures to be seen such as using your last match to burn down the mountain and hope for the best, or use some sort of reflective material. don’t plan on being spotted.

one guy, who was incredibly insightful and heroic, who got a broken leg and shattered pelvis from two avalanches and crawled his way down an enormous mountain and into a village miles away talked about how he experienced that the body is like a machine. even after you have quit, your body will keep trying to survive. your body is built to survive. That is encouraging.

well this show i believe is very educational. might even save a life someday. it is worth the frightening nature of the show to see the emotions on their faces as they recount the always sheer pure joy of being rescued and realising they are safe and they’re not going to die after all (when they are rescued or find help).

Recommended show.

I felt “her” stir within me. as soon as the music started i could feel her again. my body felt like someone was pouring sparkles from above and the sparkles were like stars and i could feel an electricity like wave movement inside my torso. I wish i could find or create an image to describe the feeling of those sparkles pouring down in the darkness and making me become “her” again. I was one with her again. It feels…warm, like pleasure, like..you are light, like you are under a spell, enchanted, charmed, invincible. like you become holy, magical, electric.

Tonight I looked through a lot of vintage guess? (lols @ the question mark) ads because in my dance class today the awesome substitute teacher told me i reminded her of them. bragging much? but i think it is my hair style which i’ve realized by looking through these ads is very 1997. but maja compliment tho because i loved these old ads back in the day.

I think these ads may have influenced my style in a subconscious way…even though i usually never act on these impulses i always admire the style portrayed in these ads. i would say it is a farmer/ cowgirl/ white trash/ gas station worker/italian bombshell look.

If you read the post a few posts back entitled “images i saw while dancing” you will see that when i danced i had visions of gas station and the west and girls who work at gas stations…i was pretty much in a guess ad, though i didn’t realise it. funny how that works.

Many famous models modeled for guess ads. My favorite was claudia schiffer. anna nicole smith became famous for guess ads after playboy…and before marrying the old dude. in the 2000s the ads changed for the worse! they became more high fashion and less “white trash”/italian screen siren….

I’m not really sure anymore whether these ads are NSFW or SFW. The mind is now clouded now that I view things that are NSFW as an attempt by the patriarchy to suppress the feminine. lol but only half joking.

No I am not gay but I enjoy looking at these photos. Style inspiration. For some.

claudia

one might recognise this image from my first magazine

very claudia cardinale

cool dress. non leather please!

typical pose

Laetitia Casta

Anna Nicole Smith back in the day

drew barrymore

photos from this article or the forum on TFS

when this film went serious i froze almost throughout the entire film from then on… i never saw it coming. the film went from dead up beat and fun but then real life suddenly hit them in the face… this is what happens when you mess with things you dont understand… awesome. film. does not in anyway promote violence but shows the effects of it. and the message from what i got was stand up for what is right but do not think there wont be consequences to your confidence. mint film.

from here

Brigadier General Thomas F. Farrell was at the control shelter located 10,000 yards south of the point of the Trinity explosion. Farrell wrote in the report for the Secretary of War, Trinity was ‘unprecedented, magnificent, beautiful, stupendous and terrifying.’ His impressions are below.

“The scene inside the shelter was dramatic beyond words. In and around the shelter were some twenty-odd people concerned with last minute arrangements prior to firing the shot. Included were: Dr. Oppenheimer, the Director who had borne the great scientific burden of developing the weapon from the raw materials made in Tennessee and Washington and a dozen of his key assistants — Dr. Kistiskowsky, who developed the highly special explosive; Dr. Bainbridge, who supervised all the detailed arrangements for the test; Dr. Hubbard, the weather expert, and several others. Besides these, there were a handful of soldiers, two or three Army officers and one Naval officer. The shelter was cluttered with a great variety of instruments and radios.

“For some hectric two hours preceding the blast, General Groves stayed with the Director, walking with him and steadying his tense excitement. Every time the director would be about to explode because of some untoward happening, General Groves would take him off and walk with him in the rain, counselling with him and reassuring him that everything would be all right. At twenty minutes before zero hour, General Groves left for his station at the base camp, first

because it provided a better observation point and second, because of our rule that he and I must not be together in situations where there is an element of danger, which existed at both points.

“Just after General Groves left, announcements began to be broadcast of the interval remaining before the blast. They were sent by radio to the other groups participating in and observing the test. As the time interval grew smaller and changed from minutes to seconds, the tension increased by leaps and bounds. Everyone in that room knew the awful potentialities of the thing that they thought was about to happen. The scientists felt that their figuring must be right and that the bomb had to go off but there was in everyone’s mind a strong measure of doubt. The feeling of many could be expressed by “Lord, I believe; help Thou mine unbelief.” We were reaching into the unknown and we did not know what might come of it. It can be safely said that most of those present—Christian, Jew and Athiest—were praying and praying harder than they had ever prayed before. If the shot were successful, it was a justification of the several years of intensive effort of tens of thousands of people—statesmen, scientists, engineers, manufacturers, soldiers, and many others in every walk of life.

“In that brief instant in the remote New Mexico desert the tremendous effort of the brains and brawn of all these people came suddenly and startingly to the fullest fruition. Dr. Oppenheimer, on whom had rested a very heavy burden, grew tenser as the last seconds ticked off. He scarcely breathed. He held on to a post to steady himself. For the last few seconds, he stared directly ahead and then when the announcer shouted “Now!” and there came this tremendous burst of light followed shortly thereafter by the deep growing roar of the explosion, his face relaxed into an expression of tremendous relief. Several of the observers standing back of the shelter to watch the lighting effects were knocked flat by the blast.

“The tension in the room let up and all started congratulating each other. Everyone sensed “This is it!” No matter what might happen now all knew that the impossible scientific job had been done. Atomic fission would no longer be hidden in the cloisters of the theoretical physicists’ dreams. It was almost full grown at birth. It was a great new force to be used for good or for evil. There was a feeling in that shelter that those concerned with its nativity should dedicate their lives to the mission that it would always be used for good and never for evil.

“Dr. Kistiakowsky, the impulsive Russian, threw his arms around Dr. Oppenheimer and embraced him with shouts of glee. Others were equally enthusiastic. All the pent-up emotions were released in those few minutes and all seemed to sense immediately that the explosion had far exceeded the most optimistic expectations and wildest hopes of the scientists. All seemed to feel that they had been present at the birth of a new age—The Age of Atomic Energy—and felt their profound responsibility to help in guiding into right channels the tremendous forces which had been unlocked for the first time in history.

“As to the present war, there was a feeling that no matter what else might happen, we now had the means to insure its speedy conclusion and save thousands of American lives. As to the future, there had been brought into being something big and something new that would prove to be immeasurably more important than the discovery of electricity or any of the other great discoveries which have so affected our existence.

“The effects could well be called unprecedented, magnificent, beautiful, stupendous and terrifying. No man-made phenomenon of such tremendous power had ever occurred before. The lighting effects beggared description. The whole country was lighted by a searing light with the intensity many times that of the midday sun. It was golden, purple, violet, gray and blue. It lighted every peak, crevasse and ridge of the nearby mountain range with a clarity and beauty that cannot be described but must be seen to be imagined. It was that beauty the great poets dream about but describe most poorly and inadequately. Thirty seconds after the explosion came first, the air blast pressing hard against the people and things, to be followed almost immediately by the strong, sustained, awesome roar which warned of doomsday and made us feel that we puny things were blasphemous to dare tamper with the forces heretofore reserved to The Almighty. Words are inadequate tools for the job of acquainting those not present with the physical, mental and psychological effects. It had to be witnessed to be realized.”

from here.

Bjork and her son. In Iceland obvi. He looks a lot like Aubs.